i was waiting for the longest time.

i have decided that if i get an apartment, it should look a little bit like this.

someday.

because right now, i am poor.

and can barely afford my dorm.
i would need a lot of curtains for this room.

but that's obviously my bike and my husband sitting right there on the couch, so i guess this means i'm going to land a great job and will soon be enjoying brick walls and conservatory-like conditions.

christmas according to gap

working in retail always has it's unexpected little surprises. working in retail around christmastime proceeds to reveal more then ever should have been and much of what needed to be.

of course, a clothing store is bound to be busy in the last few days before christmas eve. in the past week, i have seen perfectly normal mothers in their turkey-print turtlenecks and high-waisted jeans ravage, plundering just folded tables of clothing for their specific item. piles of skirts are fiercely overturned as a size medium is always in the middle and always the most popular.  manners go out the window in rites of passage within a store, and i've seen more then one woman vigorously cut off by another within the short aisles.

the men don't seem to have this warring problem when it comes to clothes and shopping...they meander slowly about the store, observing the pandemonium from a distance and then casually pick up a sweater they think their wife will appreciate and amble towards the cash register. easy.

ive had my share of stories from these last couple days, but one exchange stuck out to me more then the rest (minus of course the woman who proceeded to remove clothing in front of the cash register to prove that her jeans legitimately carried the Gap label):

i had been working the register for approximately three hours without a slow in customers when the young woman who was next in line began to cautiously make her way to the counter. She seemed very unsure of herself and a bit self conscious as she laid a pair of men's jeans and an expensive, men's peacoat on the counter. She smiled shakily and brushed back a stringy bang from her face. She looked pretty young, twenty at the oldest.

"Do you need a gift receipt for any of this?" I asked her.

"Um..no..I mean, well, no..I don't think so," she stammered, "I don't think I'll be returning this. I forgot what it feels like to buy clothes for him."
She smoothed her rumpled shirt and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "My husband's coming home tomorrow," she smiled a silly grin, "He just got his visa approved and he's coming home tomorrow."

"Oh really? Where's he from?" I asked as I placed the clothes she was buying into the big red bag.

"Um, Mexico," she smiled oddly and rubbed her pale arm, "It feels so strange, I can't believe it." She chattered for a bit about the arrangements and when he would be coming, telling me many more details then the normal Christmas customer usually would. She seemed sweet, but strange.

"Well, I'm so happy for you...just in time for Christmas too!" I told her, "Looks like you're all set here, if you want to sign right there you'll be good to go."

She was staring off into space, a vacant look in her eyes.

"Ma'am?"

"Oh..what?" she brushed her shirt nervously, "Sorry...I'm out of it."

"Not a problem," I said, "Here, sign right here."

She signed the scanner and then looked up at me, still smiling her perplexing grin as I handed her the bag of clothes.

"I have to go pick him up at the airport now, I think he's waiting. Bye."
She had an awkward, tottering gait and moved slowly from the counter with her belongings, still smiling.

I hope he was there waiting for her.
And I hope he really loves her too.

rainer maria rilke

i hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other. rainer maria rilke

from the moment i first read this, i could not have been more fascinated by it's deepness. If you put 'deep' into a thesaurus, you get words like 'dark' 'intense' 'rich' 'strong' 'bold' 'warm'. These words describe the feeling I get when I grasp the tiniest corner of this quote, like percolated coffee on Sunday morning, and it makes me satisfied.

solitude can be terrifying. or restful. depending on the type of person you are. for those who recharge by being with people, the thought of sitting alone and spending time thinking seems an averse choice. why sit isolated, caught up in the maze of your thoughts, when you could be surrounded by the love and warmth of others who understand? for those who recharge by being alone, an unoccupied room is refuge and an open field with no one in sight for miles feels like home. each type of person shies away from the opposite matter.

however, there is not a strong enough word i can use to describe the importance of solitude. when you love someone, it's easy to want to be with them as a constant. however, in order to further that bond, there must be solitude. solitude is where we come to terms with our thoughts, where the Lord can clearly speak to us, where we rest, and where thinking goes unrestrained. this must be protected at all costs.

to truly love someone is to be thinking of their needs above your own...even if that means protecting them from yourself in some fashion. it is a difficult task, but one that will eventually yield greater regard for each person than ever thought possible.

firmament

The firmament has waited to fall apart.
It will be in November.

Then, when I am scuffling over sleet and concrete,
when my fingers are too weak to write, when the sun gasps
for air at five-hours-from-noon, I will glance up sharply. Something
in our atmosphere has ripped. Only enough to let time slide out and dissolve

in the boiling pressure of infinite things. Didn't I cry out then?
Didn't someone say we are fragile?

Far too fragile for something like real space.
Especially since my spirit has been crumpled
like the ultra-thin papers of ancient writing all
crammed into clay; the Qumran cave that waits for a hurtling rock
to interpret its insides. If the rock never comes,

the sea will.

(but paper is no match for water)

- Brianna Tongen
yes folks. i do go to college with her. its okay be jealous.


quick update though:

1. i finally got my long-awaited cartilage piercing. not too drastic, i know, but it was a nice merry christmas surprise from rahnny. we got cinnamon bagels and OJ and then she drove me straight to the place and announced that i was getting it done and she was paying for it.

2. ive been consuming bubble tea at an alarming rate this week. a friend of mine tried it for the first time on saturday and he described it as an "invasion of the mouth." i have to admit it's a pretty weird feeling, but worth it.

3. i am an acrobat. i cannot get in or out of my bunk at college without climbing onto my desk, swinging my leg awkwardly over the post, and then army crawling to my pillow due to the low ceiling. getting out of bed in the morning would probably be a treat for someone to watch...i'm generally half asleep, trying to reach for the desk with my toes but frequently misinterpreting the distance and knocking various items too the ground in one big clatter. yes, i have fallen out of bed several times this semester.

4. my roommates and i have discovered the pull-out bed in our dorm. it has remained out in the living room for a week now and we have frequented it with reeses pieces, tea, and movies most nights.

5. i only have one more anthropology class left. enough said. 

8:30am is too early to be learning about this kind of thing.

6. God is still doing crazy things (obv). seriously, if i have a chance to talk with any of you in person, i'd love to tell you about this prayer thing and 3 am and the spiritual warfare and the faithfulness He's been showing - I don't mean that in your normal, everyday cliche way either. but seriously ask me.

7. there is a snowstorm coming tomorrow. i have a mixture of wonderful and hateful feelings about this. mostly wonderful though because the weather has waited a legit amount of time before dumping thigh-high amounts of snow on our campus. that and i am getting pretty pumped to snowboard.

okay well, I should be typing my paper on the ancient ruins of Machu Picchu, but amy and I are hungry now and are going to Punch pizza. k, bye.

winter smell

i think i am extra-prone to certain smells. maybe. like the outdoors usually has a very specific scent to me depending on the weather or the season or the type of light or even the color outside. is that weird?

this is kinda like synesthesia i think...well except not, but according to my psychology professor it's when people perceive letters, numbers, time, or music as certain colors, scents, or dimensions. it's a neurologically-based phenomenon and I think it would be incredibly wonderful to have. like, i wonder what color my voice would be? or would my clothes have a certain sound? or when I sing, what shapes would it sound like?

anyways, I don't think I have this, but when I walked outside today, the sky was ivory colored, the clouds and sun were feathery, the snow was drifting slowly, and it smelled like winter.

i think i've always smelled seasons and weather. when it rains, it always smells like worms. i don't mean that in a disgusting way at all, but when it rains they all come out of their little holes and lay vagrant on the streets, so it's no wonder it smells this way. of course, the vibrance of the grass and leaves are all intermixed with this, and it all comes out into this woody, fresh, exhilerating scent.

anyhow, its winter now. it smells lovely. and i loved walking in the scent today.

obed warriors

i don't really have much time to write right now, but if any of you who read my blog could just be in prayer...there are some crazy spiritual warfare things going on. i've been hearing so many stories of the unseen world around us lately and it literally gives me chills.

my dear friends, amy and mishawn, have begun a group that meets to pray over the dorms and campus at 3am each week on thursday/friday. we want to try and pray over each specific dorm room with Scripture...our campus is in crazy need of prayer. I've always taken intercession and prayer for granted i think, but the Lord is truly asking something of us and we want to obey.

we don't really know what this is all about or why there is such an urgent need for prayer, but if you could truly be praying for this that would just be so appreciated and encouraging to me and the people in this group. if you want to check out some more info on it, there's a facebook group on it called Obed Warriors.

We're kinda operating under the Scripture 2 Kings 6:15-17:

15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. "Oh, my lord, what shall we do?" the servant asked.
¹⁶ "Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."
¹⁷ And Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes so he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.