scribbling

this is an excerpt from heidi baker's compelled by love. i like it. it's real, it's truthful, and a wonderful picture of our grace-filled and loving God.

Our attempts to minister to others may be feeble to some, but they are precious to God. We may minister like a three-year-old drawing their first picture, but we try as hard as we can, and with great joy we scribble our picture for God. We may mess it up or rip the page. But when God our Father looks at what we have done for Him, He says, "It's amazing; it's fabulous!" If God had a fridge in heaven, our pictures would be on it.

i got raspberry chai.

Check out Uncommon Grounds on Hennepin Avenue in Minneapolis if you’re looking for an phenomenal place to study. It’s jazzy and Victorian at the same time, and if you sit by the window you can see city residents walking their dogs by the wrought iron fence and smoking cigarettes in the cold.

Elsie, Gwen, and I were sitting at one of the green velvet booths earlier today, working on finding articles and writing, when we noticed this couple sitting a few feet away. They were definitely on a first or second date; he in a nice plaid and she in a brown peacoat. We couldn't help but overhear their conversation since they were literally within reach. The couple approached the end of their time together, packed up and left, and we watched out the window as they ambled down the porch steps. He pulled her close in a slightly awkward hug and then they turned their separate ways on the sidewalk and walked away.

"She could do better than him," Gwen said right away.

"Agreed," I nodded.

"Did you hear what he was saying?!" Elsie raised an eyebrow. 

"Yeah. Seedy," Gwen nodded. 

Needless to say, most of his conversation was pretty unwholesome and the woman was constantly trying to accommodate his lack of taste and manners. We went back to our typing when all of a sudden the man came back into view, walked up the porch steps and back into the coffee shop. He hurriedly strode to the back of the store and went out the back door.

"What is he doing?" Elsie whispered.

"I don't know," I said, "Weird."

He didn't return so Gwen got up to go get another Zoom (coffee with a shot of espresso and a shot of chocolate or whipped cream). As soon as she sat back down, the back door slammed and he walked back through the coffeehouse and out the front of the door. This time, instead of walking to the left, he turned to the right and followed the same path the woman had walked.

"Silly man," Gwen said. 

We three thought this was sketchy and wanted to record it for all of cyberspace to see.

spain

check out my friend jessie's blog!
she's adventuring in spain and experiencing everything from the poop patrol to traversing the spanish countryside and coastal towns completely on her own.

the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain

she's probably my hero.

its been a strange week.

So there are these two prayer groups that each meet once a week that I've been trying to go to this year. One meets on Tuesday mornings in the Student Center to prayer-walk the campus on the way down to class and the other meets at 3am Thursday nights/Friday mornings (also in the Stu) and then we branch out from there to pray over specific rooms, dorms, or other places. Most of the time, I am a thorough failure at both. I'm one of those people who needs like ten hours of sleep to be functioning somewhat competently throughout the day, and I cannot tell you how many times I've slept through my alarm and missed these precious times to gather and pray. Most of the time, it really bothers me when I do this and I end up slightly upset with myself for missing something that I've made a commitment to attend and for missing an hour to spend with the Lord. However, sometimes I really am selfishly glad I slept through my alarm and got to stay in my warm, cozy bed and sleep a few extra hours (my bed at school is unbelievable, it beats all). This is my flesh at its best.

This last week, I slept through both. I fully intended to get up, but I woke up hours after my alarm was supposed to go off. I was upset at first but definitely sank straight into a, "Well, oh well I got to sleep more" attitude.

I blew it off at first, but honestly, this last week was one of the most confusing and strange weeks I've had in a long time. Never before this year had I ever attended something on a regular basis specifically to pray. I've always had a short attention span and I'm impatient by nature, so praying for long periods of time has never been a strength. If I can pray for even ten minutes, I consider that a great achievement. But this year, I've learned to walk and talk out loud to God with others for hours...and it's amazing. It's changing me.

It was a subtle difference at first...I didn't even notice it. If you asked me last semester if I felt any different, I probably would have denied it and claimed it was sheer will that made me wake up in the morning (or in the middle of the night). Something kind of like running the last part of a four-mile jog (or marathon if you're my roommates and drew), when you're body is aching and your lungs feel like their going to burst, but you keep going simply so you can finish and claim that for yourself. That was me last semester.

However, this morning, by the grace of God (and I really think it was) I woke up to my alarm. I was a little irritable and tired walking over to the main dorms from South but mostly just pleased that I had actually woken up. I wanted to be near Him too; the last week had been so dry and confusing without any quality prayer with fellow believers.

I met the group in the Student Center and we started walking down toward Maranatha, spouting off our thoughts, praises, and petitions to the Lord. I didn't expect anything to be different this morning, but it was. I felt His presence... and this morning, the only word I can use to describe it is fresh. It was like jumping into a pool after you've been in a hot tub too long. Or something like that.

 I over-analyze most everything, and I can be way too critical about even the silliest of things. But the Lord is changing and softening my heart about prayer. It's way more important than, "Dear Lord, thank you for this day and thank you for this food. Amen."

Regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham bargained with God to not destroy the cities based on the number of righteous men he could find. He bargained his way all the way from if he could find fifty men down to ten. Although ten men could not be found in the cities, we are left with the fact that Abraham quit asking before God quit granting. 


Prayer is so, soo powerful.

"Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or more are gathered together in My Name, I am there in the midst of them." -- Matthew 18: 19-20

lets do this.

While America is disobedient and stubborn in so many ways, in the words of Pastor John Piper this morning, "...we also have an incredibly tender country."

On average, starting on the day after the Jan. 12 earthquake in Haiti, major American charities have received donations at the average rate of $1.64 million per hour.

And this is wonderful...the fact that we can text in money to Haiti in a total of seven seconds or go online and enter our Visa number in two minutes to help the poor and needy is truly incredible. it's just so easy.
"Therefore, as we have opportunity [and we do], let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:10 

lovers

new lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. for the heart is an organ of fire. - the english patient

m pa bliye ou (i didn't forget you)

this is the blog of a minnesota couple who moved to haiti four years ago with their family. they are doing incredible work under incredible circumstances. a close-up view of the efforts toward help and recovery in haiti...

 

 the livesay [haiti] blog

the children

 "...[the wicked man] lies in wait like a lion in cover;
he lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
his victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.
he says to himself, 'God has forgotten;
He covers His face and never sees.'
[but] You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted;
You encourage them, and You listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth,
may terrify no more."

psalm 10:9-11; 17-18

this picture makes me sick.  
so much about trafficking is still unresolved and unknown..it feels paralyzing to me. 
but the Lord knows about all of it. "the Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed," psalm 103:6. He hasn't forgotten. He knows their names.

He holds the children 
throughout the night
He is love.

all that is needed for the triumph of evil, is that good men and women do nothing. edmund burke

tonight this is weighing so heavily on my heart. i feel like i have a 10 lb. rock in my chest. i want to cry. i want to punch something. i've been sending out emails. i've been watching clips. i've been trying to get a hold of the documentary. i've been trying to get a hold of the call + response team. i'm frustrated. i want to change this. these are babies. these are four-year old girls. these are mothers. this might be literally in your neighborhood. its in st. paul and minneapolis for sure. the least we can do is educate ourselves.

there are more slaves today then there have been in the history of the world.
33 ways to respond
educate yourself
take action
FREE BOOK
and please don't forget the power of prayer. God decided not to destroy a city because of prayer.
i don't know about you but there have been so many times when i say 'i'll pray for something' and then it just gets lost in the everyday and i forget. pray right now that the Lord will keep it on your mind and keep you aware and willing.

and then pray urgently and desperately for this.  

i have awesome friends.

my friend shelby posts the coolest things.

little crouton

can't help but quote him

"Poetry and Hums aren’t things which you get;

they’re things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.”

– Winnie the Pooh

three items

 these are some things that have been running through my mind all day today.

1. i recently bought a camelback waterbottle from the school store and the hydration since then has been endless. i never, ever carried a waterbottle around with me before and frankly, i thought it was a hassle and downright irritating. i love water don't get me wrong, but once you chug a whole bottle of water in one class sitting, (to me it wasn't worth it to carry one around if i wasn't going to consume monumental amounts of water) you're stomach puts up the stops. and you have to go to the bathroom all day. however, my brand new camelback has this wonderful little tube you bite down on to obtain water and it brings the drinking facet to a whole new level. not sure how long this obssession will continue, but i've drank like five bottles of water today. this waterbottle is my boyfriend.

2. i have been compiling a list of things that comfort me:

- lists
- having my duvet at about mid-forehead when i sleep
- city lights [but we already went over this]
- old wood floors
- the MPR classical station
- pine forests
- small hot towels
- PBS when its not cartoons
  [except for sometimes]
- surprisingly bit 'o honeys: everyone thinks they're disgusting but i distinctly remember being around the age of four and eating one on the side of the road during a parade. i just had one today at the alpha center and the nutrition information listed coconut oil, almonds, and honey as the main ingredients. brought me right back to the parade days.

the Lord has been teaching me a lot about comfort lately and what that really means. not only has He given us tangible gifts of comfort, but a lot of the time, when we experience really terrible situations or even just difficult circumstances, it's often because God is providing us with an understanding of that specific occurence so that we can turn around and comfort/help those who go through the same thing. 

3. this is horrible. did you know that south africa is legalizing prostitution this summer for the world cup? because south africa is the center for the global HIV epidemic (more than 5 million adults affected) the country wants to legalize prostitution so they can start screening and treating the women who have aids so they can continue on in their "profession."

not only is this plan flawed but legalizing this is going to lead to even greater consequences. trafficking is the third largest international criminal activity after drugs smuggling and arms smuggling. millions of women and children are kidnapped into trafficking every year. hundreds of thousands of these are forced into prostitution, pornography, and stripping in the United States and around the world. these victims are raped and exploited in a form of modern-day slavery that has been referred to by federal officials as one of the most violent and unconscionable crimes committed in our country and world today.

legalizing it WILL increase trafficking and prostitution. 
the risk is getting higher and higher now for everyone as summer gets closer.
can you imagine your sister, daughter, baby niece, girlfriend, mother, etc. as part of this?

read about it more:
the link that makes it sound good:
call to legalise world cup sex trade

the link that tells the real story:
this was written awhile ago
(honestly, it was really difficult to find any legit sources from a Christian, preventative stance...please comment and let me know if you find anything else)

do something:
the freedom project
FREE BOOK
call + response



If you have…   
ONE MINUTE
- PRAY for victims of human trafficking and for a generation to be mobilized to stand against injustice.
- BE A BILLBOARD by wearing a “Slavery Still Exists” or “I AM NOT A COMMODITY” T-shirt sold by the Freedom Project.

ONE HOUR
- RESEARCH trafficking on the web and arm yourself with knowledge.
- TALK to a friend about trafficking and challenge them to action.
- WATCH a documentary on trafficking or if you have a bit more time, rent the movie HUMAN TRAFFICKING.

ONE DAY
- VOLUNTEER your day to a local organization that works to stop human trafficking.
- DONATE a days wages to an anti-trafficking organization like the International Justice Mission or The Freedom Project.
- ATTEND a public awareness event that focuses on human trafficking.


God has been laying this on my heart for awhile. we need more people to stand up and defend.

sorry this post has steadily increased in intensity.
and content. wow listen to me blabber on about waterbottles while this kind of thing is going on.

sorting things

#17

leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are paper mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.
[marty mcconell]

nighttime january 6

received a package from England today,

desiring clarity and peace,

drinking tea and wishing it was decaffeinated coffee,

tired and fevers for no reason,

checking out more than i could ever read at the library,

dreaming vividly. too vividly actually.

having my heart full and few ways to express it,

neither here nor there, just sitting basically

transferring highlights from one Bible to another,

struggling with coming to terms with the current,

sleeping more than ever,

discovering sweet love in friendships i didn’t expect to,

ready to get back in the swing of things,

striving for more Jesus, finding him in the oddest places,

deciding between two different majors,

settling on both,

constantly making to-do lists and other lists,

wondering if im crazy,
met the most cheerful woman today...she had terminal cancer, 
making small talk in different ways then before,

having the feeling that something wonderful is coming,

seeing & understanding someone i thought i’d never 

see or understand again,

sinking into the deep freeze in the north,

longing to love those who aren’t,

wishing i was at a cabin way up in the woods and solitude,

on the verge of starting about eight new things,

wondering how that will go,

curious about a few certain people,

not wearing anything all week but sweatpants and my sailor shirt,

being assertive in unlikely places,

watching audrey hepburn with my mother,

writing and writing and writing,

trying to be patient even though that is like stalling the sun in the sky,

biting off more than i can chew,

thankful for those who have been sticking close and understand me,

missing my family at northwestern, 

becoming aware that this could stretch for miles.

now that i have seen, i am responsible

i am on a plane across a distant sea
but I carry you in me
and the dust on my feet

paper hearts

this is a dream i had last night.
maybe someone will understand it.

two of my good friends came over to my house to practice for worship in my basement. there was a keyboard and a piano down there and we dabbled a bit with different tunes, but then realized we needed to go get sheet music. i was reluctant. i didn't want to go upstairs and get the pages. i would be alone. but i knew it was necessary. i climbed the stairs and found what i was looking for.

but it wasn't sheet music.

in my hands i held a chain of index cards that contained perforated edges in the shape of hearts. i punched out the paper hearts and began fiercely throwing them over the railing to the basement [i was a bit annoyed]. the hearts were all different colors and they fluttered to the ground downstairs. suddenly the basement began to flood and the water washed the hearts towards the pianos, where they became magnets and various shapes and stuck to the wall.

and then it ended.

oh, one of those

sometimes your hair looks like you've stolen things.

props to elderly gas station women

the other day we stopped at a lone gas station
to fill up on cheap, french vanilla coffees.
i got a small because there's a lot of sugar in that stuff, but it was eight in the morning, and i was so blasted tired that i had to drink something before our two hour drive.

it was thick.
we brought them to the counter and I pulled out my visa due to my lack of cash from being a college student with no car and no access to an atm near school.
the cashier woman was very, very old and eyed me for about twenty seconds before saying in a crackly voice,

"Well if you're gonna use a card for that, you can just have it!"

she seemed angry. more than the usual elderly, gas station woman would.
i fumbled with my wallet and found a dollar bill awkwardly folded in a zipper pocket. i wanted to appease her desire for cash.

"Fine. Fifty cents then for each," she growled as soon as she saw it.

i gave her the bill and we went out the door.

"Did you just pay for my coffee?" my friend asked.
"Yeah. But I think we got it for free basically."

props to elderly gas station women.

so you want to be a writer?

if you have to wait 

for it to roar out of you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it. 

unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

[charles bukowski] 

why we love city lights

i know its late in the day and i really should get out of bed. i have cheerios to eat and a parking ticket to call on, but words are on my heart right now.

i was driving through downtown minneapolis the other day - well, i wasn't the one driving, my dad was. we had just entered one of those underground tunnels on the freeway. the kind that is lit by strangely gold-orange colored lights and has no-passing lanes. they're usually short, only a thirty seconds or so tops; you race along with six or seven other cars, somewhat suspended together. i remember, as soon as we entered that tunnel, i felt the strangest sense of peace.

the contentment continued as we burst out the other side and minneapolis grew in angles over our heads. i couldn't figure it out for the longest time, the whole ride back actually. and then, just as we were pulling into the driveway, i realized it was the lights. the city lights calm me.

growing up in the suburbs, i would never have considered myself a city girl; in fact, i actually feel like i belong more so in the country (with it's wide open spaces and fences and forests). but now that i've been at college for a year and a half and met my share of wonderful people from various backgrounds, i've realized that i'm more 'city' than i bargained for. i buy scones, i can drive one-ways with ease, i know about all the art museums and orchestra hall, i love driving around lake of the isles, i love coffees and cafes and the traffic outside. the list goes on, but there are many aspects of the city that have somehow situated themselves inside me.

i was discussing this with amy the other night and telling her how i loved the lights and not just because they were beautiful, and she said she could relate.

"I think it's from when we were little," I said, "I just remember it being nightime and sitting in the backseat while we drove."

"Yeah I remember that too, except with my sisters."

"I think it was just comforting, knowing I was safe. Nothing could get me, I was with my parents and it was safe."

"That's it. That's why we love city lights."